“You’re not at fault, but you are responsible.”
I know that’s a heavy statement, and I can feel many of you tensing up as you read it. But I’d love for you to hear me out on this one, because it’s so important to understand. You see, my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté in mid-September went in this direction, and he said those exact words, echoing exactly what I have been trying to explain all along! It’s not a statement meant to upset people; it is full of kindness and power.
So the way I see it, we spend our lives in a variety of communities and groups, and I’ve been referring to these societal influences in my work as ‘marinades’. When we are immersed in our groups, we get marinated in the thoughts, beliefs and energies of those groups. It’s just what happens. I can’t blame myself because of what happened to me in my past, because I didn’t consciously choose to be bullied, or a to be a people pleaser. Those were just the circumstances I was in. As Gabor explained clearly, and kindly:
You did not consciously choose to be a people pleaser. You were programmed that way by your early environment. Even your parents didn’t consciously set out to make you a people pleaser, they just followed their own cultural guidance. It was unconscious on everyone’s part; that’s why I don’t use the word fault.
This really rings true for me, and I am sure it does for you too when you realize you have power. We can release the need for blame when we know that our marinades got us there — got all of us there, even those who hurt us. This is the really kind part of that statement - we didn’t do it to ourselves.
And here comes the “power-full” part. Dr. Maté said:
…on the other hand, while we don’t want to blame anybody, we have to say to people: “You may not be at fault, but you are the only one who can take any responsibility; nobody else can.” It’s kind of a balance – you’re responsible, but you’re not at fault.
I could not agree more; we need to be more compassionate and kind with ourselves and we must take our power back. While we can’t control our past, we are the only ones who can take responsibility for ourselves as we move forward. As empaths, we often focus on the need to explain or describe our difficult issues in terms of blame and fault. We’re all products of our historic marinades, and if we want to see something different in our lives, we have to take responsibility for ourselves as we move forward. So when we stop thinking in terms of blame and fault, we can reinstate our personal power. You are powerful, and your kindness is native to you as an empath! So I would really love to encourage you to release the notions of fault and blame, and instead love yourself for taking ownership over yourself from here onward.
~ Much Love, Anita ~
